Green Fades To Gray
by TheStarshipCat
Summary: Sad little rainy weather fic in Raven's point of view. BBRae.


Green Fading To Gray

A sad little rainy weather fic in the point of view of Raven, includes character death. BBRae.

**A/N:** Listening to Toh Kay's The Hand That Thieves with Rainymood as I write this. One hour oneshot challenge.

**XxX**

I remember when all I saw was green.

And I rehearsed the scenarios out in my head - I could admit that I was as bad as a schoolgirl. It was easy, with a meditation mirror and a group of emotions to test the waters with, I'd never have to worry about what he would say, what the repercussions would be. I'd tell him and he'd say it right back.

"I... I think I have feelings for you."

That's when my emotions took over the rest of the scenario. Knowledge said that logically, marriage would come next. Rude bet 50 dollars on divorce.

"No. It's more than that."

Happy ecstatically hoped for about fifty kids screaming in the back of a new and improved "T-Van". Love just sighed happily, twirling her hair. A lot. Lust was having similar responses, with the occasional utter of a sexual profanity and the listing of various body parts she wanted to... do things to.

"I love you."

And quietly sitting in the back of the room was Timid, who thought that he would never even say it back, and tried as hard as she could to passive-aggressively talk me out of telling him.

"I love you, too." He would say.

And it would all be so natural, I would have no earthly idea why I was keeping my feelings a secret.

But then I had to be thrown into reality, where I spent my waking days pretending like everything he did annoyed me. And he did annoy me - but just in this way that I couldn't imagine how it would be without his bad jokes and excessive laughter. At least, I never thought I could learn to.

I still remember that night vividly - I have had nightmares more than occasionally. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, he just looked like he fell. I didn't think anything of it. I kept on fighting, until minutes later he screamed my name. God, sometimes I can't remember the sound of his voice. I went to him, still figuring that he was okay. He wasn't. It was gruesome. The cuts - the cuts were everywhere. He would bleed to death in a matter of minutes.

"Beast Boy!" I reached him in seconds, then grabbed him and flew him about a hundred yards to safety. We were in the middle of the road, a trail of blood leading to us. I used my powers to move a crushed car in front of us as a shield. I yelled for the others, but they were too far away. It was all so loud - gunshots, screaming of innocent people. I was left as his only comfort. I don't know how to comfort. And I tried as hard as I could to use my healing powers. It wasn't enough, I wasn't good enough to save him. "You'll be okay. It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay." I kept lying to him.

"I... I know I'm not. Am I gonna... die, Rae?" He croaked, blood came out of his mouth.

"No, Beast Boy. You can't die, not now. You're not going to die."

We both knew this was a lie, and I knew this was it - I embraced him tightly, digging my nails into his back as I sobbed into his shoulder. Merely ten seconds later, I felt his arms go limp.

"No..."

I wasn't ready to let go. "Come on, Beast Boy. Wake up, wake up!" Tears started to flow as I shook him, his face motionless, but calm. I had nothing left of him, just a lifeless body I had cradled in my hands as his blood trickled from him, slowly soaking my clothes.

We held a private funeral two days later, just the four Titans. I didn't want to go, I hadn't stopped crying since the incident, and I knew seeing him would make it worse. But I decided to attend, to see his face again. They covered his cuts, cleaned him up, he looked... normal again. But I knew what was under that, permanent gashes, scars, probably the marks from my fingernails. I felt sick to my stomach. No one said anything, no one really wanted to. We knew what everyone would say already, and at least I knew I didn't want to hear the pre-made speeches about his achievements and everything that showed him in the best light possible. Because the truth was that he wasn't perfect, he ruined our missions more than once, allowing Terra to get so close to him and nearly got us all killed. I wanted everyone to remember him outside of his strengths and weaknesses, just for him. Most of the night had turned out to be a terrible experience - I spent most of the night sitting on the bathroom floor until Starfire would trod in, try to talk it out with me, and finally get me to come out again. Then I'd see his body lying there, still and cold, and the cycle would start again. Star thought I was sad because I thought it was my fault. I did think that for a while, at first. If I could have healed him in time, if I had the sense to go to him the second I saw him fall, maybe he would have been fine. I realize that's just a lie I told myself until I thought it was the truth, he was basically already gone when I got to him. It was the regret, the reason I couldn't bare looking at him. So much guilt for everything I ever did to him, shouting at him, leaving bruises on him that remained there for weeks. Most of all I regretted listening to Timid.

And now I'm back to standing in this empty graveyard, something I've done for hours on end in the past. I can still feel him when I'm here. His laughter, his beaming expression, his sense of determination. He reassured me that life was worth it. But it all fades with time – like I'm trying to run towards him, but just getting farther away. I still have everything he gave me in the back of my closet, pictures, the penny, even the giant chicken. But the more I try, the more I can't remember what really was _him_… his voice, his jokes, when he'd turn into a cat and unsuccessfully try to woo me over with "the face". I gave a soft smile at that. Smiles are as rare as sarcastic comments from me these days. I slumped down beside his grave as the smile quickly faded and the tears flowed freely. It definitely wasn't the first time I cried there. I wrapped my arms around my legs, wanting to feel that embrace from him again. It really wouldn't ever be okay. The green that I saw so strongly, when I was truly happy, was slowly fading away to gray.

**XxX**

:( Sad fic is sad. It was kind of weird, because the whole fic is in her thoughts, but sometimes I added things that were happening around her. Did you like it? R&amp;R please! I'm fine with flames, but I'd like concrit, or positive feedback.


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